Preface:
This was one of the first pieces I 'properly' wrote, a couple of years back now. It was previously published online in three parts, but I can't remember how it was split (yay, I love computers!) but hopefully it might become apparant. Also, bear in mind that some of the writing might be a bit rough around the edges: with this old stuff, I'm going to publish it *exactly* how I find it for posterity. So, with that in mind, enjoy! (Or at least try to...)
***
Open your eyes.
He did. He looked at the green light by his bed which happened to display the time. 4:19 a.m. Shit, he thought. I only went to sleep an hour ago. Now it’s time to get up!
He rolled out of bed and creaked his neck. The cracking sound reminded him of Rice Krispies, for some reason. It’d give him arthritis one day, but goddamn did it feel good.
Like a zombie, he stumbled his way to the light switch. It gave him a quick, sharp jolt which made him move his hand immediately. Bloody thing! He looked around him. What a dump. You can do better than this, surely? A dump was the best way to describe his ‘bachelor pad’. The wallpaper used to be cream, covered with pink flowers. Now it was brown, tarnished by years of dirt and cigarette smoke. It was beginning to peel. One piece might as well not have even been there.
His bed was no better. A holey blanket rested over a mattress with so many loose springs it could easily pass for a permed hedgehog. The mattress sat on a dusty, brown carpet which looked and felt awful. Scattered here and there were piles of clothes, including unwashed underwear, creased cottons and tarnished trousers.
Meandering his way through the mountains of mess, he eventually reached his sink. God knows what rested down the plughole. A spider’s nest probably. It made a ghastly gurgling sound every time water was run anyway.
He looked at himself in the mirror. Beneath a mass of black, tangled hair was a gentle face, which somehow looked old before it’s time. He looked tired; anybody would be able to tell that without a second glance. Deep black rings rested beneath his eyes, which were surrounded by crow’s feet. Two days growth of stubble did not help much either. He was only 20, but looked in his forties. His eyes were piercing green, some might say scary, but a softness lurked somewhere within.
He rubbed his face. Bloody nightmares. I wish I could be left alone. Just for one night I wish she’d leave me alone. A tear dropped lazily from his left eye. He shook his head and moved into his bathroom (if you could call one mildew infested shower and a toilet which had trouble flushing a bathroom).
***
Thirty minutes later, he came out having done his daily business. He hadn’t bothered to shave again. Why should he? It’s not exactly like he was going out on a date, now was it?
He chucked on the least dirty, wrinkled top and trousers he could find: a sky-blue shirt and a pair of jeans. He slipped on his running shoes and went to leave his flat.
As he took a step out, he tripped, coming down to the ground with the force and speed of a felled Redwood. He lay there for a couple of seconds, winded. Jesus. Another good day awaits, then…
He stood and turned to shut his still-open door. That’s when he saw it. What he had tripped on.
Sat in a brown ceramic plant pot was a single rose. Its petals were pure, deep crimson, with nary a speck of discolouration. Its many thorns were sharp and exactly symmetrical. Hell, even the dirt it sat in seemed excellent. It was beautiful. Perfect.
Who the hell put that there? he thought in his normal, disrespecting way. There was no note or any other indication of who it came from on the rose or on its pot. He stood staring at it for a minute, for some reason entranced by its beauty. He tutted, picked the plant up, and walked back into his flat.
The soil seemed full of water, so he didn’t bother feeding it. He set it down on his tiny window ledge. Plants liked light right? Well, not right now: it was still four in the morning. He walked back to his door and took another glance at the rose as he left. Weird, he thought, and set off for work.
***
He left the rugged building which housed his shit-hole and made a left turn. He’d walked less than ten metres when he saw the old woman beggar who was outside every morning without fail, even this early. She was very old, and he felt sorry for her sometimes. But she served as a reminder to him that, no matter how crappy his digs were, at least he had a roof over his head. She was always mumbling to herself, but he’d never listened. Heard, obviously, but not listened. But this morning was a bit different.
“Did you get what I left for you?”
She repeated this a couple of times as he walked past, and finally listened on the third time. He furrowed his brow in thought and slowed down a little, but didn’t stop. Is she talking to me? He pondered a second longer. He shook the thought away from himself like a wet dog. No, she’s probably quoting the Bible or something. He walked on to work.
***
Well, if you could call it that. It was a job. A career even. But could you call it work? Maybe. At least he got paid for it.
He was a contract killer. A hitman, if you’d like. He’d tried his hand at other stuff before, sure, but there ain’t no business like the killing business. He was guaranteed that wherever he went, through the city or the big wide world, there would always be someone who someone else wanted dead. It was a sad fact, but, hey, it paid the rent.
He’d thrown his morals out the window a long time ago. He’d never been to school. Barely had parents. He only had one thing in his life he’d ever really loved, and even she was gone now. He was cold, maybe even ruthless. Why should he have feelings? It’s not exactly like anyone else was going to give him compassion. He barely even bothered speaking; a true silent assassin. Words were worthless anyhow.
He had his contract, and this morning was the day of the job. He’d catch a guy as he left his apartment block. It didn’t matter what he’d done, but suffice to say his wife thought he deserved a swift end.
A sniper rifle would be left on the roof of the opposite building, ready and waiting for our assassin. He’d wait up there, perched over the ledge. Then, he’d get rid of the gun and go and collect his payment. Most of that would go to the debts he’d accumulated over the years. And there were a lot of them. The rest would go on food and rent. Maybe he’d have enough for a haircut. Who knew?
It was time. It was about six now, and the guy would leave in perhaps half an hour. He sat, waited, and thought.
It really is a sorry existence I have, isn’t it? That shit-hole I live in’s the least of my worries. All that debt. The chance I’ll get caught. The nightmares. There’ve been so many people who are no longer here because of me. I barely even get enough money to get by. And what the hell was that rose about? Was it that old woman? Who else could it be? Oh, Lord, I can’t deal with all this. I’m so tired…
***
He closed his eyes, just for a moment, and slept. He didn’t mean to, it just happened. He fell into his nightmare. But what made it scary was that it wasn’t just his brain attempting to get some rest and spewing out random crap. It had actually happened, and every time he slept, he was transported back to last year.
That summer was the time of his first hit. He needed money, and he needed it fast. Times were harder than they were now, unbelievably, and he just had to get cash as quick he could. Otherwise he could end up on the mortuary slab, not the guy he was supposed to kill. And his girlfriend would probably leave him. He’d never intended it to be a career move or anything like that. Just this once; just for the money.
There was little breeze on that hot summers day. Kids ran around the park where his victim worked. Enjoying their summer holiday, playing in the pool, chasing each other round, eating ice cream…
But wait, no, they weren’t eating. He’d expected them to be. After all, an ice cream hits the spot on a summers day, especially for little kids. The van was there, white as snow and a big plastic cherry on top. The prices were all displayed on the side, half falling off so parents would be tricked into paying over the odds for their kids’ treats. This could work to his advantage, though; after all it was the ice cream man he had to hit. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to waiting in line, then killing the guy in plain sight of everyone in the park.
He moved around to the back door, and knocked. No answer. Again, he knocked. Again, no answer. He twisted the door-handle and walked in, bringing out his silenced pistol as he did.
***
The van was small, and cold. The huge fridge which contained hundreds of ice-creams of different types was wide open. Boxes of cones were smashed on the floor. Two people lied atop them, embroiled in sex. One was the ice cream man, a bulky, middle aged man with sever military tattoos on his hairy arms. The other was his girlfriend.
The two were, quite obviously, startled by his entrance. They broke apart immediately. He didn’t know what to do. So he carried on with the job. Worry about the consequences later. He shot the ice cream man twice: once in the chest, the other in the head. Blood spilled over the floor like on of the fridges’ raspberry ripples. His girlfriend screamed. “Leave no witnesses,” he heard in his mind, the voice of the mobster he’d been ordered by. But he couldn’t kill her, could he?
***
The dream skipped forward several hours. He had to skip town, the police were looking for him with all their force, and it just wasn’t safe. As he was on the motorway leaving the city, he switched his radio on.
“A man was today found dead in his ice cream van at Golden Park. The 42-year old ex-serviceman was shot twice, in what appears to be a failed robbery. A 19-year old woman is helping police with their enquiries, but other witnesses are still being sought. If you have any in…”
He couldn’t do it, no matter what the consequences were. She was the only thing he’d ever loved. But she haunted him. He’d left her, all alone in the world, after killing her lover. She’d seen death. He could handle it, but he knew that she wouldn’t be able to. A few days later, he heard on the radio that she’d committed suicide. He couldn’t turn back time, but his dream made sure he’d never forget. He wished he could, knew he couldn’t.
***
Open your eyes.
He did. He was on this rooftop. What was he doing? Oh, yeah, about to kill that businessman. He looked at his watch wearily. 7:00. An hour later. He’d missed his window. Shit, shit, SHIT!
He began to panic. Hyperventilating, he quickly got up and ran down the fire escape. He hailed a cab, realised he didn’t have the money, and ran home, forgetting about the rifle on the roof.
The old woman was outside again, still mumbling to herself. He rushed to his bedsit, and slammed his back against the inside of the door. He sighed and closed his eyes, deep in thought. That guy…he was going away. That was why he’d left so early: he was leaving the country! It was the only opportunity…and he’d missed it. Now he wouldn’t get paid, he wouldn’t be able to work off his debts, anything!
He took a couple of deep breaths and opened his eyes. What? Is…is this the right flat?
It looked the same, but very different. It was clean. There weren’t mountains of clothes lying everywhere. The carpet looked like it’d had been washed; it was soft and slightly springy. His bed was actually a bed! The sink was spotless, as was the entire bathroom. It looked like it had been serviced by a professional cleaner.
What the hell? The rose was still there also, sat on the windowsill, leaning gently towards the sunlight. That looked different as well. It had a tag around its stem, sort of like the tag Paddington Bear had. He walked over and took a look.
“I have cleaned the room for you. Hope you like it. Time to move on, start again. Properly. Rose.”
This must be some kind of joke. That’s it, a joke. Someone had managed to fins out his ex-girlfriend’s name and play some sort of elaborate prank. He turned the tag over.
“This isn’t a joke. You need to move on. Stop thinking of me, dreaming of me, and move on. And stop killing people. Go back home, where you belong. Stop running. A clean start starting with a clean room, understand? Rose.”
“No, no, no!” he whispered to himself. This can’t be happening. I’m still dreaming right?
He was compelled to turn the tag over again, but knew there would be nothing but the original message. He turned around, and standing in front of him was Rose, his ex-girlfriend, as real as when he saw himself in the mirror earlier that day.
Shocked, he backed up, knocking the rose off its ledge. The pot smashed on the ground. “Look at what you’ve done now,” Rose said. “And after I spent so long tidying, too. Stop looking at me so oddly and relax. I am here, but not for long. You need to get out. You know it makes sense. You can’t stay here or you’ll be killed. It’s died down back home now, safe to return. And once you’re there, you can forget about me, forget about this life, and start again.”
“How could I forget you?” he said croakily. “You haunt me in my dreams, and now when I’m awake too.”
“I’ll leave. I’ve been trying to get you to leave this life ever since I left my own. You’re not the same man I met when we were teens. You never will be again. But you can be something different, something better. There’s some money on the bed. Get a cab back home, and I promise I’ll leave you forever.”
“But…I don’t want to…”
“Yes you do. You as much as said it yourself. It’s not your fault I’m gone. I was the one sleeping around, the one who killed herself. There’s no reason for you to keep me in your mind anymore.” She began to fade, gradually becoming more and more transparent.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“No. I’m the one who’s sorry…” With that, Rose faded. He sank to the floor and broke down in tears.
***
The next day, he packed his things and left the shithole forever. He decided to shave for the first time in an age. He took the rose with him, though it was beginning to wilt because it had no water. On the way out, he saw the old woman again. This time, for the first and last time in his life, he spoke to her. What did they talk about? That doesn’t really matter, in the long run. For the most part it was just small talk. But a couple of interesting things did arise. It was her who put the rose outside. Why? She didn’t know. Just that a dream of a beautiful young woman told her to. He smiled a little at this, and passed the rose to her. “Keep it. I don’t need it any more.”
With that, he walked off. He flagged down a cab on the street corner. He got in, and noticed it was the same driver as yesterday, when he had no money. “Oh, you again,” said the driver. “So, where you going today bud?”
“Home.”